a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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