she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Randomize
