The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
