I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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