Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
sarcasm needs its own font
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
