He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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