She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
