Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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