i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
