Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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