i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
it glows. i had to have it.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
