my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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