When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
