I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
