you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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