Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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