Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
