Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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