you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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