i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I didn't notice because vodka
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
