Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
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Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
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I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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