dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
