If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
