the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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