the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
