it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
