He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
