Where did you get a picture of my penis
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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