just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
