That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
