I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
