apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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