hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
