You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
