Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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