I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
