It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
love makes seman taste better
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
