Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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