I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
