I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
