Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
