Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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