fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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