The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
