The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
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we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
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All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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