he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
try to milk me bitch
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
