JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
