apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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