What a fucking waste of an outfit
Non-Jews are for practice
I can text with my tongue
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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