Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
