When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
