i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
