You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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