would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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