look no pants
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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