GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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