Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
