Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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