I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she smelled like a LAN party
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
